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My wife and I officially divorced because of my affair with another woman. But I cannot completely leave the family: I have to put up with my wife because I love my children and need to be with them all the time. But my life is pure torment...

Dmitry, 39 years old

Let's, Dmitry, look at what is happening through the eyes of your children - your loved ones, the only ones with whom you cannot be separated. What do they see and feel? Tense (or irritated) parents, slipping hints, meaningful pauses...

Child psychoanalyst Françoise Dolto argued that “children and dogs know everything about the family.” Believe me, this is really true. And when I think about what your children “know about family” right now, I feel anxious for them and their future. Of course, they need both mom and dad, but what they need even more is a predictable and safe environment. They also need to understand in their own childish way what is happening and not be afraid to ask.

Do they dare to ask direct questions or have they already learned to pretend that everything is fine, although in reality everyone is bad? I think that your children live like in a minefield. When they last time Have you seen parents laughing, doing something together, or just talking peacefully? You can't fake it, you can't fake it.

Your physical presence and even your love do not give them this, forgive me for being blunt. It turns out that three adults are absorbed in their own feelings, and the children are held hostage. However, adults, unlike children, made their own decisions for which they are now paying.

Since it was you who created this situation, it is worth thinking not only about your experiences - at least now, since you have not done this before.

Couples break up various reasons. Someone meets another person on the way, someone becomes burdened by a hateful relationship, but in any case it is very important to part on a positive note, because for many years this person was the closest and you don’t want to cause him severe suffering and... How to leave your wife will be discussed in this article.

First of all, it must be said right away that ignoring calls and taking things out quietly when the spouse is not at home is the lot of the weak and cowards, and therefore it is necessary to carefully prepare for the conversation. Choose a suitable time and place and calmly, without raising your voice or expressing complaints, voice your decision. You can criticize your spouse and say what she is bad at only when there is a chance to save it, otherwise there is no point. The missus must endure the entire subsequent tirade with steadfastness and restraint. After all, this is a surprise for her, and an unpleasant one at that, and she has the right to talk it out to relieve her stress.

Those who want to know how to properly leave their wife can be recommended to promise her financial assistance at least for the first time, while without humiliating her feminine and human dignity. Of course, if there are children in the family, then it is very important to let the spouse understand that they will not need anything and can always count on the help and support of their father. You can leave your wife with dignity as your heart and your own moral principles dictate. After all, this person was once loved and occupied one of the main places in life. You can always choose words that would not hurt your spouse and allow you to remain, if not friends, then not strangers. You can advise your spouse to confidently seek help and try to make her situation as easy as possible after a divorce.

So, you have firmly decided - I want to leave my wife. We will talk about the reasons a little later, but now we will highlight the most basic points. If you remember them, the separation will be the least painful for each party. You may even be able to maintain human relationships.

The worst thing that can happen in the process of breaking up is constant tossing and turning. First the husband leaves, then returns, begs on his knees for forgiveness from his wife, and then again remembers what pushed him to take this step. These tossing slowly but surely burns love out of a woman’s heart, tormenting her and making her nervous and irritable.

So be consistent. If you decide to leave, then first think carefully about all the circumstances, how you will live, how you will arrange your life and other little things. And only then announce your departure.

Talk to yourself first and make these decisions. If you are sure that it is necessary to leave or that it is impossible to stay together, then leave and do not torture either yourself or her.

Perhaps your wife feels that your behavior has changed, you are moving away from her. But still, suspicions are one thing, and conversation is completely different. And even in this case, this news will be a shock for her.

Or it may be that she didn’t even think about such a development of events. This is possible for various reasons: she was raised in such conditions that divorce is impossible, but she must save the marriage with all her might; she is too concentrated on work or everyday problems that she does not notice anything around her. In any case, she will have questions, the answers to which you should prepare in advance.

This is the first question that arises in similar situation. Answer this for yourself first. Situations are different, but in some it turns out that essentially nothing will change, just the woman next to you will change. Whether it is worth leaving in such a situation is up to you to decide. One can hope that it will be better elsewhere, but this hope is weak.

“I'm leaving because I can't cope. Our child has been seriously ill for six months now. And it’s not a fact that he will get better,” that’s what Nara’s husband said when he was tired of their wanderings around hospitals. Their son was born with multiple pathologies internal organs. Initially, the doctors didn’t give him a chance; they said that he wouldn’t be able to breathe on his own. But for six months now, Misha and his mother have been fighting for their lives. He breathes on his own, has already undergone 4 operations and still has a long way to go. But my husband decided that it was too difficult for him. He and his wife decided that when Misha had the main operation and his prospects for a full life became clearer, his husband would leave.

Now you can start clicking your tongue or talking about the moral principles of Nara’s husband (yes, in this story we didn’t even give him a fictitious name), but the fact remains: in most families with a seriously ill child, husbands leave. Because it’s easier not to watch all this horror.

Or do you have a mistress who, in all respects, better than wife. If the wife is irritated, disheveled and tired, then the mistress is always affectionate and friendly, neat and friendly. If the house is a mess, which children create at an incredibly fast speed, then the mistress, who does not have children of her own, is always clean and cozy. And in everything she is better than her wife.

"You are an amazing mother, best mother in the world. You are a wonderful designer, our home is very beautiful. You are beautiful. But I don’t want to live with you,” Andrei said to Yulia and left her for Alice. Very quickly, Andrei and Alisa got married and had a child. But at some point, Andrei saw that Alice and Yulia had too much in common: the house was in chaos, toys ended up in the most surprising places, and Alice did not always have enough time to take care of herself as before.

We don’t know all the circumstances of Andrei’s life with Yulia, but at first glance it seems that he returned to where he escaped from. And Yulia’s child has grown up and no longer throws toys around, but helps her mother create and maintain comfort at home.

A man must marry a woman who is expecting a child from him. And it doesn't matter if he's already married. Or the wife is expecting a child. It happens that men leave their pregnant wife for their pregnant mistress. The situation, of course, is extremely slippery and unpleasant. Here every man must answer himself honestly: to whom does he owe more? Legal spouse or mistress?

And the most offensive thing is that this situation could not have been allowed to happen. But we won’t talk about this this time. You probably know everything yourself.

Continue the sentence. What exactly are you tired of? There are problems at work, but your wife not only does not support, but only demands, demands and demands? Is she constantly dissatisfied with everything, dissatisfied even with the fact that she herself is dissatisfied?

Formulate it clearly, point by point. And tell her. If you are sure that if you just talk to her and discuss these points, she still won’t change, then it makes sense to leave. But if you have never tried to discuss with her something that doesn’t suit you, then maybe it’s too early to leave? If your feelings are still alive and you value your wife, then give both of you a chance. Talk, discuss. Give you probation, for example, 1 month. If after a month absolutely nothing has changed, then you leave, and if there is at least a slight positive dynamic, then you will continue to work on your relationship.

You are a night owl, I am a morning person, I love fried potatoes, but for you this is the main enemy of a slim figure. I would drink beer with friends in the evening, and you drag me to the theater. And shopping trips with you are stuck in my liver! We are generally too different!

Have you always been different or have you just become this way now? Surely before this you were simply trying to get along with each other, but then such a desire disappeared. The fact that you are different is not a reason for breaking up a relationship, but a consequence of deeper contradictions or accumulated fatigue. When will you find the real reason problems that have arisen, you will be able to decide whether a conversation with your spouse will help or there is nothing left to talk about. But nevertheless, the reason for divorce “they didn’t get along” is quite common.

This is another question that usually arises in a woman's mind at the beginning of a conversation. The answer to this follows from the reasons that prompted you to leave. Think through verbatim what you will say to your wife, so that the emotions that inevitably arise in the conversation do not prevent you from saying everything you wanted.

This question is asked, rather, out of a feeling of hopelessness and does not always require an answer. This is a rhetorical question that is asked somewhere into infinity, into the universe. Therefore, when it dawned on him, it was time to stop talking and leave. Then there will be only emotions.

Of course, she finds it difficult to believe that this is happening. And it's even harder to accept. Therefore, when the conversation comes to such questions, there is nothing left to talk about. Yes, you're leaving. Yes, right now. And leave right now. Take only what you need, you will take the rest of the things later. Now give her time to think about everything she heard herself, draw conclusions and comprehend what happened. Don't call or write, even if you're worried. Moreover, if you are worried about her, then why leave. Or are you driven not by concern, but by guilt? Don't confuse these feelings.

Once you start a conversation, it is difficult to predict in advance how it will go and how it will end. You know your wife and you know what she is capable of. So consider:

• when will you talk? She should be calm and balanced at this moment;
• will you talk? Restaurant or any other public place- the most inappropriate places for this. The fewer witnesses there are, the better and simpler;
• where do you start? The first phrase is very important, it will let her know that the conversation is going to be serious;
  Don't start this conversation in the bedroom. No matter what happens to you, the bedroom is a place of relaxation and enjoyment;
• You shouldn’t talk in the kitchen either, especially if your wife is impulsive and abrupt. There are too many breakables;
• Are you ready right now to take a minimum of things with you and leave?
• It is you who should leave, because you are the initiator of the breakup. Even if you share this apartment during a divorce, you should still give her time to comprehend what is happening in silence.

When you start a conversation, control yourself and don't let your emotions get the better of you. Be prepared for the fact that she won't be able to handle hers. So no matter what she says, you:

• don't insult;
• do not mention her mother or any other relatives in the conversation, they have nothing to do with it;
• don't say what you didn't mean to say;
• do not give in to her emotions, most likely she wants to hurt you as much as possible;
• do not forget why you started the conversation, even if she presses for pity;
• speak now and only now, you should not return to this conversation in the future. So either say it now, or forget you were going to say it;
• stand your ground to the end, be consistent;
• Do not give up under any circumstances, you never know what she says out of emotion.

Of course, the separation process cannot be called painless, but you can make it less painful.

I've been married for 15 years. There are two children. I have had a girlfriend for 6 years now. She's 32 years old. She is expecting a child from me. I decided to divorce my first wife and go to my beloved. Tell me how I can plan and organize everything so that this entire period is as painless as possible for me, my children, my first and second wife. What to pay attention to and how to prioritize. My wife doesn't know about my love. She is 43 years old. The children are schoolchildren. I want to save with them a good relationship and your authority.

Valery, Norilsk, 47 years old / 09/15/14

• Alyona

  Valera, for 6 years you had not a beloved girl, but a mistress. A truly beloved woman is not forced to wait so many years for some reason. So let's call everything by its proper name. There was a mistress. And finally, she found a way to take you away from the family. Got pregnant, and you decided that abandoning two schoolchildren for one newborn child is very fair to everyone and damn authoritative. But you're wrong. Your crush, having become pregnant, is already rubbing her hands at how great she finally managed to force you to leave your wife and children. It took 6 years to do this. It was not in vain that I waited and hoped. And it was not in vain that she became pregnant, of course. It turned out to be a successful argument. I just advise you to re-read the letter from one such “beloved girl.” The letter dated August 29 of this year is called “I took him away from the family and I want to leave him” (http://www..shtml). It’s just about lovebirds like you. There is even “not the first freshness” in your face. By the way, is your beloved aware that half of what you honestly earn will go towards alimony for your two children? It happens that they don’t immediately think about it, and then they get very upset. You clarify this issue to the girl in advance. Or have you decided that your friendship and authority will be enough for schoolchildren, and let their mother earn money to support them? By the way, about the mother of your children, who was 37 6 years ago. But 6 years ago you did not leave her. I didn’t give her a chance to start another life 6 years ago. Because then it was enough for you to have a mistress and live with your family. But during this time, your wife could already remarry, for example, by finding a more worthy man than you. And after that, do you hope that the breakup can be made more or less painless? I can see it like this: “Darling, I have someone else, I’ve been cheating on you with her for 6 years, and now she’s pregnant, and I’ve decided to divorce you and go to her.” No matter what words you put around it, the essence will not change, believe me. Especially for a 43-year-old woman with whom you lived for 15 years, who has two minor children with you and for whom you left almost no time for a second chance. Valera, little advice: Think ten times before leaving your family. Secret meetings in the absence of common everyday life are one thing. It’s another thing to live together, to share not only a table in a restaurant and a bed in a hotel room, but also all everyday problems. Your relationship with your lover will no longer be the same. And the chances are high that you yourself will want to return to your family, to what you have become accustomed to for 15 years. It is very possible that you will be horrified at how little you valued what you had in your family. And you will be even more surprised by the fact that you simply exchanged the awl for soap, with one single nuance: you ruined the lives of two children, the woman with whom you lived for so many years, in order to simply replace her with a younger woman. But he personally did not gain anything, he only spoiled his karma.

• Sergey

  Valery, a truly bad thing is not cunning. And if it itches too much, you can, of course, get a divorce. Especially if you were smart enough to have side children. However, I would not get my hopes up for something big and wonderful. Firstly, because tourism and emigration are two different things. You lived in a family for 15 years, with your own rules, with clear rights and responsibilities. You have an established social circle, your life is smooth. You just “had a pleasant conversation” with your mistress, including because she had no rights over you and behaved according to her position. But this does not mean at all that everything will immediately become as familiar and smooth with her. Just the opposite. Everything will have to start again. And this is very difficult. And your lover herself may appear in a completely new light. In this regard, I would advise you to try to do without quarreling with your wife, because more than half of the “leavers” like you, after a couple of weeks of the “new life”, begin to strive to return. I don’t know how to achieve this. It all depends on your relationship with your wife. As for relationships with children, I’m afraid everything will be very difficult. After all, in their eyes, you are a traitor and a deceiver who offended your mother. And this is actually true. And children are very vindictive creatures, and therefore it may well happen that you will become their enemy for a very long time. Do you need all this? In my opinion, before you succumb to your mistress’s entreaties and ruin your existing life, you should think carefully again. After all, it would be nice if you really had strong feelings, but you don’t, because a truly beloved woman is not dynamized for years. That is, you are going to flush everything you have acquired down the toilet for the dubious pleasure of building, at best, the same thing. Although, of course, everyone is free to ruin their life in their own way.